I'll Stand By You: Part One The Fears Inside
by Court
Summary: Set in Season 7; Lindsay struggles with the aftermath of the O'Malley saga. Contains SPOILERS for this season.


I'LL STAND BY YOU: PART ONE: THE FEARS INSIDE  
  
  
  
Lindsay gazes at her reflection in the oval mirror, a heavy sigh escaping her pink painted lips as she once again contemplates what she has agreed to. But the fears that harbored the ships of the ocean of her soul failed to overcome the love in her heart when her husband had extended her the invitation of a night out on the town. A few months ago, this romantic gesture would have placed her on cloud nine, but the current circumstances sucked her to ground. How can I possibly do this?  
  
Rays of light all but blind her as they pour from his sparkling eyes into the glass before her. That look shatters her doubts for a moment, allowing stars to form in her own. The answer to her question rested in his being - this man that was the perfect replica of her most profound dream.  
  
Bobby smiles as he looks her over - she had never been more beautiful; the thought is intriguing to him as he never thought she could get more so the day he met her.but every day since has proved him wrong. Shimmering, midnight blue silk clings to her every curve, beginning as two spagehetti straps and ending as a straight line cut an inch or so above her knees.backless.accessorized with diamonds and strapped heels. Long tresses frame her face and her smile draws him closer. A soft moan fills the room as his arms encircle her waist.  
  
"You're stunning." he whispers.  
  
"Thank you," she blushes. Turning in his arms, she fiddles with his tie. "Mmm.all black - that's a ten all in itself."  
  
"I aime to please," he grins.  
  
"Trust me, you do."  
  
He leans forward, and they kiss.  
  
"We'd better go. Our reservation is for eight thirty and we've still got to drop Bobby at Helen and Ellenor's place."  
  
"Where is he?"  
  
"Playing with his blocks in the living room. He keeps trying to name the colors."  
  
"He's getting pretty good isn't he?" Lindsay smiles.  
  
"Well, he has a great teacher," he smiles back, caressing her cheek. "Have I told you how wonderful it is to have you home?"  
  
"You have.but it's always good to hear."  
  
They are about to kiss again, when they hear a cry coming from down the hall.  
  
"Mommy!"  
  
Without another thought, Bobby and Lindsay leave their bedroom to tend to their son. Lindsay kneels on the floor beside little Bobby.  
  
"What is it, baby?"  
  
"Wook." He picks up the blue block. "Bwue."  
  
"That right," she grins. "Mommy's so proud of you!"  
  
"No silwey."  
  
"No silly," she laughs.  
  
She picks him up, and smiles up at Bobby. Turning back to her son, the smile falls. She studies his face, seeing the bliss and adoration highlighting his gentle features. Happiness fades to dispair as the thoughts return. There was so much to think about - so much that it was beginning to take up her mind in whole. Who was she kidding? Things would never be the same. She was a changed woman - and because of that, all the hopes and dreams she had for this family were gone forever.  
  
The tears are coming.she swallows hard, attempting to keep it all inside for the time being - she doesn't want to upset them. Their bodies vanish from sight and other images take their place: Vogelman.the knife.three times.the pain.the fear.Hinks.fear.O'Malley.fear.no more.her gun.three times.the loud noise.too loud.prison.alone.so alone.cold.dark.no tomorrow.freedom.  
  
Freedom. Or a second chance as Bobby has so often called it. Another turn at this life they'd taken years to perfect - always something new, always another challenge.even the toughest obstacles they were able to overcome. It amazes her at how strong their love really is. But she fears that nothing can stop the inevitable - Bobby realizing who she is, or rather, isn't - the ones who own her heart slowly suffering from her wrong doings. They were both blind to it now, but someday.  
  
"Lindsay!"  
  
She gasps, jumping at the sound of her name. Reality comes back into focus: her son is laughing for some reason and Bobby is kneeling beside her, one hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Mommy funny."  
  
Lindsay looks dazed at the toddler, then at her husband.  
  
"She is, huh, buddy?" He looks at her, concerned. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah.yeah." she says quietly, shaking her head.  
  
"You sure? You were a million miles away. I called your name a -"  
  
"Okay, Bobby! I'm sorry! I'm fine, okay? I'm fine!" She immediately realizes her mistake. "I'm sorry," she says, gently. "I just don't want to talk about it right now." She pauses, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry."  
  
He stares at her for a long moment. "It's okay. Let's just go, huh?"  
  
She nods and stands. He helps her with her coat, and they walk out the door - one frustrated, the other two oblivious, as they are lost in coos and giggles. Something was wrong with her and he was going to find out what - exactly what.  
  
  
  
  
  
Lindsay stares straight ahead as Bobby drives towards the restaurant. They hadn't spoken to each other since they'd left the apartment, but it wasn't out of anger - it was out of fear.not knowing what to do on both sides. Her sad eyes dart over to him unnoticed. He appears calm, but she knows better; he's worried about her.he always was.  
  
In attempt to fix the situation, Lindsay unbuckles her seatbelt and leans over to Bobby. Her right hand rests atop the one he has resting at his side, while the left entangles in his hair. The sudden movement startles him, and he looks at her wide-eyed.  
  
"Wha -"  
  
"Shush," she whispers, moving her thumb over his lips. "I have something important to say."  
  
Bobby nods. "Okay, just.let me pull over."  
  
When he does, she moves in even closer. Before he knows what's happening, her mouth covers his. His surprise is great, but not enough to stop him from responding within moments. Lips, tongues and teeth move together.meeting, tasting, teasing.enjoying each other in absolute perfection. Lindsay pulls back, breathless.  
  
"I love you, Bobby," she vows, eyes locked on his. "I love you so much."  
  
"That's what you wanted to tell me?" He chuckles.  
  
"Why - is that not good enough?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"No! I mean, yes! I mean, uh."  
  
He looks at her, baffled. There was only one thing he could do: he grabs her and lets passion answer for him; a kiss even more intense than its predecessor ignites flames inside them.  
  
"I love you, too," he gasps, taking another breath before recapturing her mouth. "God, I wish I could show you."  
  
"Why can't you?" she purrs, her hands now circling his chest.  
  
"Because we're in this damned car."  
  
"Oh," she laughs.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. I just forgot that Bobby Donnell only does desks, couches, kitchen floors, counters and um.what am I forgetting.ah - conference tables." She grins.  
  
"Mmmm.the conference table. Now, that's been awhile."  
  
"Yup, pretty long."  
  
"Too long." He thinks a minute, then looks at her incredulously. "Ya know, the office is only a block away."  
  
"Right - but so are Ellenor and Jimmy." He looks confused. "They both have cases right now. Every night this week has been a late one."  
  
Bobby looks crushed; inside, Lindsay was as well. A chance to get lost in her husband - her one and only love - was far better than facing those that she knew hated her. That was something else that kept racing throughout her mind. All the harrassing phone calls to the firm and newspaper stories told her exactly what the public eye saw her as: a cold blooded murderer who unjustly remains free. She knew she was, too - she knew the facts: she was lucky - she got off on a technicality. This was one thing that her old self had in common with this new woman: the unmistakable presence of care against others opinions of her. She most definitely wasn't one to shrug off such things. It haunted her every minute of every day. She would never get past it.  
  
His lips returning to hers snaps her back to the present, preventing her from getting lost in her thoughts again.  
  
"Later, then. And I promise.I'll make it worth the wait."  
  
"You always do," she smiles.  
  
"I do, don't I?" he grins, smugly.  
  
"So modest," she giggles.  
  
  
  
************************************************************************  
  
  
  
Bobby can feel Lindsay's grip on his hand get tighter and tighter as they move closer to the restaurant. She was definitely on an emotional rollercoaster: at home she was fine, then she wasn't fine.in the car she was QUITE fine.now, she's acting up again. What did I do? Did I pick the wrong place?  
  
He looks over at her, and a smile immediately meets him. How does she do that? Letting the frustrations go for the time being, Bobby kisses her hand and leads them inside.  
  
Lindsay can see the disapproving looks and allows them to wound her one by one. They stand in front of the maitree de and Bobby utters their reservation. As he checks for the name, Lindsay's eyes connect with a couple whispering at a table close by.  
  
"I can't do this," she admits harshly, before moving quickly out the door.  
  
Bobby rushes out behind her. "Lindsay!" He catches her arm, to keep her from running away. "What is it?"  
  
"I can't go in there, Bobby. I can't do it."  
  
Though he can't see her face, he knows it is stained with her tears.her voice is thick with them. "Baby-"  
  
"Don't 'baby' me, Bobby! 'Baby' won't make it better! Nothing will make it better!"  
  
"Calm down, Lindsay. Just talk to me. Tell me what's going on."  
  
"You can't help me, Bobby. No one can."  
  
"Let me try. Please, let -"  
  
"Dammit, Bobby! Why do you have to be so stubborn?!?"  
  
"I'm your husband! It's my right!"  
  
"No, it's NOT! You have NO right! Just go, Bobby! Run away as fast as you can - stay away.just stay away." she cries harder, gasping, "can't you see? I don't want to hurt you anymore."  
  
"You don't want to hurt me? Lindsay, what are you talking about?"  
  
"I'm ruining your life, Bobby."  
  
"Lindsay, that's ridiculous."  
  
"No."  
  
He takes her into his arms. "Shh.listen to me.we don't have to go in, okay? We can just go some place and talk."  
  
"You're not hearing me, Bobby.not at all." she sobs.  
  
"Then help me understand. We can take this as slow as you want.just help me help you."  
  
"I can't go in there, Bobby."  
  
"Why? Tell me why."  
  
"I can't face those people.they all hate me.they all want me gone."  
  
"Lindsay, no."  
  
"At least they're not thinking lies.it's all true.they know who I am.they can see what you don't."  
  
"And what is it that they see?"  
  
"A murderer.a woman who doesn't deserve to be free.to have a family.to have a life.a second chance."  
  
"How can you say that?" He forces her to look at him. "You don't believe that.and neither do they."  
  
"YES, I DO - THEY DO!!!!!"  
  
"Lindsay, you are NOT a murderer." He says sternly. He holds her face in his hands, looking into her eyes intently. "You're my Lindsay.you're strong, brave, beautiful.a fighter.a woman who has endured a lot of pain - too much pain.a woman that snapped and lost control for a few moments.a woman who hurts everyday for what she did.a woman that DOES deserve a second chance.a woman that loves her family so much that she would put their lives ahead of her own.she does it everyday.the woman that a little boy adores.the woman that I'm going to love for the rest of my life.you're my Lindsay.for better, for worse.til death do us part."  
  
"I'm not her anymore, Bobby.I'm not."  
  
"You are," he says. "You are."  
  
"No.no.the old me would have never opened that door, Bobby! The old me wouldn't have shot a man three times with her child two rooms away! The old me wouldn't be able to smile, or go on living with the fact that she took someone's life! I'M NOT HER! I'M NOT HER! I'm not the woman you fell in love with, so, just stop saying that I am! Just STOP IT!!!" Her chest heaves from her outburst. He looks defeated. "What can you say now, Bobby? Huh?"  
  
"You're wrong," he says hoarsely.  
  
"I'm wrong?"  
  
"That's right. In fact, you've never been more so."  
  
"Can't you see what I'm trying to do, Bobby? I'm trying to save you! I want you to be happy. You said 'for better, for worse'.let's face it, Bobby, it's just too much of the worse on my part."  
  
"That's not true!"  
  
"It is! And deep down inside, a part of you regrets ever saying that to me!"  
  
He looks stunned. "You think.you think I regret marrying you?"  
  
"I would."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you're wrong again," he says as-a- matter-of-factly. "If I hadn't married you do you know where I'd be right now? The same place I was four years ago: alone. We wouldn't have a son." He can see he's not getting through to her, and pauses, thinking. "Don't you know Lindsay.you are the only woman for me. I know life hasn't been fair and things have been rough, but I'm here and I'm staying. You can push and shove and cry and tell me that you hate me all you want, but you won't get rid of me that easily."  
  
"I don't hate you."  
  
"I know," he sighs. "There's something I need to tell you.something that my mother told me once.when she was dying.it stuck with me.she said that God may seem far away sometimes, but we can't mistake his intentions. He made each one of us for a purpose and he connected us for an even greater one. We can't take that for granted. We may have to suffer a little.or a lot sometimes.but we'll be okay because, in the end, he'll make everything right. Don't you see, Lindsay? We have been tested in every way imaginable, but look at us - we're here right now - together."  
  
"Together." she mumbles, uncertain.  
  
"I don't want to lose you, Lindsay."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I want to go inside.I want to dance."  
  
"Dance?"  
  
"Yeah.I want to hold you.I want you to tell me what you've been thinking about.I want to wash away your doubts.prove to you that everything's going to be okay." He wipes her tears with his thumbs. "What do you say?"  
  
"I'm a mess, Bobby."  
  
"No, you're not.you're perfect just the way you are."  
  
She laughs. "Have you been watching old movies again?"  
  
"See now, you just made fun of me.so, you have to come inside." She takes a deep breath. "I'll be with you every step. Remember: the only things those people are thinking are one of two things - 1.) Damn, I wish I was her or 2.) Damn, I wish I was with her." He smirks.  
  
She laughs a little. "Only for a little while, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
He takes her hand, and they walk back inside. Luckily, their table is still available. After being seated, Bobby starts glancing over his menu. Upon noticing his wife looking around rather than at the menu still closed on the table top, he speaks.  
  
"Hey.it's -"  
  
"You were right."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"They're not looking."  
  
They smile at each other.  
  
"You already know what you want?" He asks, motioning toward her menu.  
  
"I'm not really hungry."  
  
"You've got to eat something."  
  
"What are you having?"  
  
"Steak and lobster."  
  
"Okay. I'll have your baked potato.You never eat it anyway."  
  
"What if I said I reaaaaaaaallllllly needed to have it tonight?" She gives him a look of warning. "Kidding. That's fine, honey. You can have my salad, too."  
  
The waiter comes and they order. He leaves with a look of dismay on his face.  
  
"You see what you did? He probably thinks I'm some punk that gives his wife his leftovers."  
  
"I doubt he was thinking that."  
  
Her emphasis on 'that' leads him to believe the conversation is about to take a devestating turn once again. He works fast.  
  
"Dance with me." He says, taking her hand.  
  
She smiles and they head towards the dance floor.  
  
  
  
OH, WHY YOU LOOK SO SAD? TEARS ARE IN YOUR EYES COME ON AND COME TO ME NOW DON'T BE ASHAMED TO CRY LET ME SEE YOU THROUGH 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THE DARK SIDE,TOO WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOTHING YOU CONFESS COULD MAKE ME LOVE YOU LESS  
  
  
  
Lindsay's heart begins to race as he whispers words of devotion.quietly urging her on. She knows he's right.she knows that tomorrow doesn't exist unless they're together. So tonight, she'll give him what he wants - she'll pour her heart out to him, confess all she fears.what she prays to the heavens he can somehow erase.  
  
"I see them.I see Vogelman.I see Hinks.I see O'Malley.I see what they did to me.what I did to them.especially O'Malley.I see the gun.I hear the shots.I see you.your face says your looking at a stranger.I look in the mirror everyday.and I see a stranger, too."  
  
  
  
I'LL STAND BY YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU  
  
  
  
"I dream about them.day and night.sometimes they're all I can see.I just want them to go away.I just want to feel normal again.not crazy.not sad.not scared." she holds him tighter. "I'm so scared, Bobby. I'm so scared."  
  
She can hear him whisper as his hands stroke her back, 'It's okay'.'I'm here' and 'I love you'.'they can't hurt you anymore'.'never again'.'I won't let anyone hurt you ever again'.  
  
  
  
SO IF YOU'RE MAD, GET MAD DON'T HOLD IT ALL INSIDE COME ON AND TALK TO ME NOW HEY, WHAT YOU GOT TO HIDE? I GET ANGRY TOO WELL I'M A LOT LIKE YOU WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE CROSSROADS AND DON'T KNOW WHICH PATH TO CHOOSE LET ME COME ALONG 'CAUSE EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG  
  
  
  
"I'm afraid for Bobby. He's so innocent.there's this light in his eyes.it's like the world is magic to him.when I'm holding him or playing with him, he looks at me like I made the moon.I love that look - I live for that look.it reminds me of the person I used to be.the person I fear I'll never be again.and I know that when he learns the truth about me, that look will disappear forever. I'm going to be the one who takes that wonder away.for that, I hate myself."  
  
Realization dawns on his face. "So, that's why you froze up tonight? That's what you were thinking about?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He sighs, and places his hand under her chin. "We both love you, Lindsay. When Bobby learns the truth.that truth will only be what happened and what drove you to it. You're still the same and he will never hate you. Never.please, don't think such things."  
  
"I don't want you to hate me.either of you."  
  
"That could never happen. Bobby's safe and loved and that's what's important. His wonder is that of a child and we all lose that at some point. I despise the idea as much as you do, but it's a fact. We all grow up. All we can do is love him and protect him until it's time to let him go. Trust me when I say you won't be the reason for that change."  
  
"I want to.more than anything."  
  
  
  
I'LL STAND BY YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU  
  
  
  
"I think back on our wedding night.how incredible it was.we had such dreams then.you looked at me that night like you had our life in the palm of your hand.I could see your love, feel it.and I knew then that I would die if I had to live without you. I wanted to die, Bobby.when I was in prison.I never thought I'd get out.I never thought I'd be in your arms again."  
  
"You are, baby, you are."  
  
"I don't deserve to be.that's what I keep thinking, too. Look at what I've done to you.everything you've worked so hard for.what I did, it's damaged you, the firm and everyone in it.and with Hinks, you almost went to prison trying to defend me, I-" She stops, looking up at him. "I'm sorry, Bobby.I'm so sorry."  
  
"Shh.no, no."  
  
  
  
AND WHEN. WHEN THE NIGHT FALLS ON YOU, BABY YOU'RE FEELING ALL ALONE YOU WON'T BE ON YOUR OWN  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry for never asking you how you felt about any of this.about what I did.you never said anything.only once - and I-"  
  
"And you said it didn't involve me."  
  
"Yes." she winces at the memory.  
  
"Did you really believe that I didn't want to try? That I wasn't with you?"  
  
"I don't know, Bobby.I was scared.I wasn't thinking straight."  
  
"I mean, we never even talked after you told me we weren't going to make it unless we were more open with each other." He stops, thinking a minute. "I guess we didn't really get the chance.but - we have one now."  
  
"Yeah.we do."  
  
"We're gonna take it, Lindsay. Starting tonight."  
  
  
  
I'LL STAND BY YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU TAKE ME IN, INTO YOUR DARKEST HOUR AND I'LL NEVER DESERT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU WON'T LET NOBODY HURT YOU I'LL STAND BY YOU  
  
  
  
EMAIL ME HERE (BLESSED_23_83@YAHOO.COM) 


End file.
